Yesterday was one of the true low points of my life.  I felt I would break into tears many times during the day.  I was wooden and unresponsive to other people, and went through my daily chores like a robot.  I was seriously depressed, and yesterday was a culmination of something that had been building for a long time.  Light at the End of the Tunnel

 

My life has changed drastically in the last few months.  A close loved one started dialysis and cannot drive himself.  This means double trips to the dialysis center three times a week, multiple surgeries in a distant city, and many doctors’ appointments and trips to the emergency room.  Yesterday it all came crashing to a head.  I felt like my whole life had devolved to the point that I was just marking time between taking, picking up, and other kinds of care-giving, along with lots of worry, stress and anxiety. I was in a deep emotional hole that I couldn’t see a way out of.

 

After giving myself a day to wallow, I had to do something.  I know that depression is just the body’s way of telling me that something is badly out of balance in my relationship with my environment. Although it would be easy to blame the circumstances I find myself in (as I had been doing), I know that the circumstances are the cause of my depression, not the solution.

 

The first step was to use my awareness to look at the situation objectively, removing (as best I could) the emotional overlay.  When I did this, I could see that my subjective feeling of having no time for myself, was not factually true.  I have plenty of time when I can do things for myself, as long as I reorganize my schedule.  But the problem is, either I don’t want to do the things I should do, or am not capable of doing the things I want to do.

 

For example, I know I need to write some blogs since I haven’t done so in a long time, but I have no ideas.  I have other writing and professional work to to do, but I have no motivation.  I have many sewing, photography and other creative projects needing attention (something that normally gives me lots of pleasure), but I have no interest.  There are many household chores that should be done, but I have no energy.  It’s not really a time problem, it’s an energy problem.

 

I am, however, aware of energy depletion, know what it feels like, and how to replenish my energy when it’s drained.  This was something more.

 

What to do?

 

In a situation like this, it is hard to see the forest for the trees.  Our emotional feelings are so heavy and overwhelming, we can’t seem to get out of ourselves to see more objectively, or to dive into ourselves to find our own inner wisdom.  We can often get only so far without some kind of outside help, a friend or therapist, for example, or a way to tap into universal wisdom.

 

When I am in these kinds of quandaries, I often turn to Oracle Cards.  Although the accuracy of oracle cards cannot be explained by the rules of the physical world, the interconnectedness of the energy realm enables synchronicity to provide real help.

 

There are many Oracle Decks, but my current favorite is The Faeries’ Oracle”.  So, I decided to draw a card from this deck.  The question I asked before I drew was, “Why am I so low right now?”  The card I pulled was “Gawtcha”, (sudden shock, unexpected events, rude awakenings), but it was upside down.  This card reversed means stagnation, and that this stagnation is caused by holding tightly to something that needs to be released.

 

This was good information that certainly felt right.  Stagnation was exactly what I was feeling.  But what was it that I was supposed to release?

 

So, I asked that question and pulled another card.  This time I got “Maiden” upside down.  Right side up, this card means “auspicious beginnings, birth, growth, joy and hope”.  Reversed, it means that I have become stuck in the minimal and the mundane, (certainly true) and have forgotten how to dream, to hope and to plan an exciting future.  Again, this card hit the nail right on the head.  Yes, I was mired in the everyday mundane experiences of being a chauffeur and a care-taker, but it still didn’t answer the question of what I should release.  I obviously couldn’t stop what I was doing in caring for my loved one. There must be something else.

 

So, I drew another card asking expressly what I needed to release energetically.  This time I got “Mickle a Muckle” (everyday blessings and play), but again upside down.  Reversed, this card means “clinging to the known path”, rejecting adventure and the new.

 

Again, this was an amazing encapsulation of what I was feeling.  I am seriously pissed off that my normal way of life has been disrupted. I am fighting the changes, thinking that this disruption doesn’t allow me to do what I want or need to do.

 

Upon reflection however, I realized that I was really pretty bored with the way things were before. If the truth be told, I could use a shake-up in my life, and probably was unconsciously asking for just such a thing.  (Be careful what you ask for).

 

When it’s time to move forward, life does tend to shake things up – even if it looks like it’s someone or something else that’s doing the shaking.  This is the danger, because it then becomes so easy to blame that someone or something for our misery, and get stuck as a consequence. Resistance and blame are serious energy blockers.

 

In addition, my ego was not happy with all the reversed cards.  Read another way they seemed to be telling me I was a spoiled brat and a cry baby.  My ego was crying “resist, resist, resist”.  I knew however, that an honest confrontation with myself was the only way out of the hole, so I told my ego to go take a hike.

 

Given our understanding of how physical things interact, it is hard to comprehend how all life is interconnected energetically, and moves forward in a way that can benefit all, even if we can’t see it right away.  We are so used to thinking that life befalls us, that we are powerless in the face of what circumstances dish out.  But that is not the case at all.

 

Depression, and the processes needed to get out of it, helped me realize that I always have a choice. I can become bogged down in feeling sorry for myself because circumstances, or God, or whatever, changed my life in a way that I, or the culture, or both, see as unfortunate.  Or, I can see the change as an opportunity to move beyond where I was, to explore avenues I might not have explored before, and awaken talents or capabilities that I would not have known about otherwise.

 

I don’t know what these are, or where my life is taking me right now.  But because I asked these questions, and used resources at my disposal to answer them, I can now move forward like the Maiden, open to the new and unexpected, with hope, curiosity and joy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One Response to Light at the End of the Tunnel

  1. Jan says:

    I so admire your diligence to how you’ve learned the song that is in your heart…and in these dark days, quietly listen to your heart sing it back to you when you forget. Stay strong.
    Jan

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